This show takes place in Albany, New York and only has a total of six matches on the card. None of which look too great. Why did I even order this show? Anyways, I started doing this during the second match, so I’m sorry my description for the show is so short.
Show starts with a long ass promo trying to fill time. Great…
Curtain jerker is “The rated R superstar, Mr. Money in the bank who got harpies from a skank” Edge (with his skank Lita) vs “The Nature Boy” Ric Flair. Pretty good opening match for 10-15 minutes. Match ends with a disqualification after Edge hits Flair with the briefcase when he has Lita in a figure four. Flair blades, and they kill another 5 minutes having him get out. Short match because Edge is still hurt with his peck injury.
Next is a long promo showing everything in the build up to Mickie James vs Trish Stratus. I go to get beer to finish off what I had from New Years.
Oh lord, Mickie James has her kissing Trish in her Titan Tron video. This match was pretty damn good for the most part. Mickie mixes caring for Trish and has power of her own. Trish looks horrible in this match, botching the selling of Mickie’s hurrican rana, and sloppier kicks then Lita’s vagina. Mickie James is wearing a super short skirt that is showing off her nice ass, so that’s a plus. Crowd loves her character (and her body), and begins chanting “Let’s go Mickie”. Mickie James hits Trish’s finisher and we see once again how horrible Trish’s move set is. Trish tried her own but missed it. Mick-kick misses, but the Trish kick lands for 3. Damn good match. I expect that Trish will lose the belt in a rematch tomorrow night, which is the 1 year anniversary of her holding the title.
Maria interviews herself for the Diva gauntlet match, hoping back and forth from too spots. Gregory Helms walks into the promo and asks why they are wasting time on her. He points out that Lawler won’t be there to pull his dirty old man bit cheering for her puppies. Helms walks off and Shelton Benjamin and his momma show up. She yells at him for not eating right. What is this a Campbell’s soup commercial? The NFL should sue.
Cut to Edge and Lita pimping WWE Instant Access. Edge says he’s not ready for it so she should handle it and walks off. Lita is confused. Rumor has it that Edge will finally use the Money in the Bank stipulation tonight after the Elimination Chamber. I don’t care. I look at the clock and notice we’re 1/3 done with the Pay Per View and we’re only a half hour in.
Jerry Lawler comes out for his match with Helms in the battle of the men who have had their signature moves banned from the WWE. Helms has new music. Joey Styles brings up Lawler’s feud with the legendary comedic star Andy Kaufman and how Jim Carey’s career hasn’t been the same since. Was that a shot against Man on the Moon? Helms’ tights look like a cross between the late Crash Holly and TNA’s AJ Styles tights. Your classic young heel wrestling the legendary wrestler bit here. Helms should call up Smackdown’s Kid Kash how to do this, because Kash did a better job in TNA. Helms sells how tiring suplexing the Lawler makes him (because Lawler is so out of shape). Helms dominates the start of the match. Helms is at the announcer’s booth and starts talking. He says that he isn’t even breathing hard and will do Lawler’s job after the match is over. Helms shoots Lawler in the corner and goes to follow, Lawler moves and now it’s time for the legend to dominate the young kid. Lawler says “how about a pile driver” and then kicks Helms. Coach points out we haven’t seen a pile driver in a long time and Helms back body drops Lawler. Helms gets crotched on the top, and of course the King hits his middle rope fist drop to finish the match. Wow, they didn’t even let Lawler use his old finisher for a PPV. We’re now half done and less than an hour into the show.
Mickie James is in the Instant Access room to congratulate Trish. Mickie says that their match was electric, and enjoyed having their hot sweaty body’s in the ring.
Shelton’s mom is finding him some food and doesn’t like what she sees. The World’s Largest Love Machine Viscera shows up and tells her she has some junk in the trunk and that he wants a piece of her chocolate pie. Shelton’s mom is pissed. She says she is his momma, Viscera says Shelton is his hommie and says he wants to be her daddy. She says if he wants action he’ll find her one. Viscera goes to eat something and Shelton’s momma comes back and takes it and walks away. Oh god, please don’t say we have an impromptu Shelton vs Viscera match.
Big Show/Triple H promo. WWE.com just announced that Triple H and Stephanie are expecting their first child. I wonder if Stephanie inherited her mother’s demon infested womb? Either way, we all know that he will beat Randy Orton’s record as the youngest champion by winning the title at age 18.
Big Show comes out with the Bob Orton gimmick and has his arm taped up. Lord is that over done. Next comes the soon to be poppa. HHH is bitching that Big Show shouldn’t be able to wrestle with a cast. No shit, but this is wrestling. Why should logic apply here? Big Show’s first move is a wild swing with the cast and hits the turnbuckle pad and doesn’t sell it like it hurts. God damn, that has to be some good padding. Big Show is wrestling left handed for moves like chops and open hand slaps. I wonder what he’ll do when it comes time for the choke slam. I’m told to turn it to Family Guy, and it turns out they’re making fun of The Rock’s ethnicity “there has to be some black in there. One of his parents was probably white.” Horrible…. the match that I was watching, not the Family Guy bit. That was merely a rare miss for Family Guy. Back to the show. HHH is attacking the cast, which has been split. Slams the cast into the steel post in the corner. HHH rips off the cast and starts to work the Big Show’s hand. Big Show actually sells for a minute. HOLY SHIT! The Big show just flopped over the ropes. More working of the hand. Triple H starts pulling at the Big Show’s fingers. OH NOES! NOT PULLING HIS FINGERS YOU EVIL SON OF A BITCH! Big Show powers HHH over, but HHH no sells and continues the hand. We’re less than 70 minutes into this show and I want this match over. This is dull as all hell. Big Show tries to run across the ring to slam Triple H and is winded. goes for the choke slam but his hand is to hurt. Ref bump, and of course HHH gets the sledge hammer out. Show catches the sledge hammer mid swing with his left hand and breaks it with his hurt hand. HHH goes to swing it with the remaining portion of the hammer, but Big Show hits a kick. HHH gets a chair on the outside, but Show kicks him again. HHH is thrown into the steps. Show tries to lift the 500 lbs. steel steps. HHH kicks Show in the nuts, and then grabs a chair and hits the remaining steps, which Big Show sells like it hit his hand. HHH then hits a GORE! GORE! GORE! when HHH comes at him with a chair again. Show rolls HHH in. Show signals for a left handed choke slam. HHH has the broken sledge hammer and hits him. pedigree. Rolls the fat man over for the pin. Best work from the Big Show in a while, but christ that was a waste. I am so sick of every match having to be in The WWE Style ™. HHH won a match? Who would have thought it.
Carlito and the birthday boy Chris Masters in the back. Carlito puts over how well steroids have worked for Masters. Carlito says that everyone else in the match has been WWE champ except them. He says that no one has any faith in them. He says that the elimination chamber match is every man for themselves. He says it doesn’t have to be. He says that they can work together so that it will come down to just them, and then they can have some new blood.
Royal Rumble video with the McMahon family in roman gear. Not nearly as cool as last year.
Back to live action we see Lawler is back, and then Shelton’s music hits and he comes out with his momma. He challenges Viscera to giver her a public apology. She says don’t no man disrespect a Benjamin woman. She challenges him to come out and take an ass woppin’. Shelton is scared because WWE writing is retarded. Shelton is a legit NCAA amateur wrestling star, and a proven ass kicker. Viscera is a fat ass who only has a job because the McMahons like big men. Impromptu match, and Shelton’s mom is shouting her ass off. Despite Shelton’s awesomeness, Viscera does not deserve to have his match called. This match was way too long, and its only purpose was to get over Shelton’s momma. Viscera pointed to Shelton’s mom and started to hump his ass. Yeah, that’s what wrestling needs, more homo-eroticism. Shelton’s mom hits Viscera with her purse, and then Shelton hits the dragon lash or whatever his spinning heel kick is called. Yeaaa, Shelton won a match!
Cut to HBK putting his boots on and Vince wishing him good luck, since no one has ever ever been the first man to entered the elimination chamber and won the match. HBK points off that he was the first man to enter the RR and then won the match, he was the first guy in WWE ladder match or a hell in a cell match. Vince says if he wins it’ll be like the first time Hell froze over, and then wishes him good luck.
Wrestlemania 22 promo.
Bra and panties gauntlet match time: Maria is the first woman to come out. I like the pants. 😉 Candice comes out as the second woman. Looks like Maria got a boob job. Not too long in and Candice does her stupid dance from the GoDaddy.com commercial last year at the Super Bowl. Maria has her shirt ripped off, and then Maria loses hers. Candice hits her over the top rope figure four headlock. Maria counters and rips off Candice’s shorts to eliminate her. Torrie in the match, missing her dog Chloe. Sunset flip almost causes Maria to lose her pants, but then a victory roll almost causes Torrie to lose hers. No woman actually loses it. Shades of Tajiri with Torrie hitting a hand spring elbow? WTF Work rate? Torrie thrown out, Maria brings her in. Maria takes off her shirt, and then Torrie hits the ugliest spear in the history of ever. Generic women rolling over the ref spot. Torrie gets mad at the ref and tries to slap him, Maria disrobes her. Next woman out is Victoria. Maria is tired as heck…. ends up losing her pants to Victoria… Oh lord, the Fabulous Moolah and Mae Young…. oh god, they’re getting in the ring… oh lord, not a strip show song… Mae takes off her shirt. Victoria is scared…. tries to take off her skirt. She has… what the fuck? Victoria starts to beat her…. Moolah makes the save. Victoria has her shirt and nearly bra removed when Mae screws up ripping the top off. Ashley comes out and then counters a widow’s peak and rips off Victoria’s shorts to win the match. Of course being a face, Ashley removes her top and skirt.
Cut to Shelton and his momma at the Instant Access room. Shelton is happy because he won… and then his momma pulls out a brick from her purse. He is a bit sullen to learn he didn’t win on his own.
Elimination Chamber descends from the top of the arena. They call it 10 tons and begin to hype the match. Blah. STOP KILLING TIME.
They slowly introduce every person. They bring up that Kane is the last person to join the match, and that today is Masters’ birthday. The match starts with Shawn Michaels and John Cena. Match started with Cena Sucks chants. And this guy is a face? Blah Blah killing time. Carlito enters the match and starts beating on Cena and gets cheered for it! The crowd is literally cheering when Cena is getting beat on, and booing when Cena is winning. Angle comes in, and this is crazy. Shawn is thrown head first into the chamber, which doesn’t break. Ankle lock! Masters is in and saves Carlito. Masters is on fire! Yadda Yadda. Sweet Chin Music and Kurt Angle has been eliminated! Kane enters the match and clears house. That said, Masters and Carlito working together eventually takes Kane out. This match is a train wreck. HBK is bloody. The crowd is hot because he is signaling for sweet chin music on Cena. He hits it! Carlito tries to hit his finisher, Masters… blah. Last Rites by Carlito and HBK is gone. Masters pins Cena and… no. 🙁 Styles points out that he doesn’t have “all of the chain gang” as the crowd is booing the hell out of him. Five knuckle shuffle. FU stopped by Masters! Masterlock on Cena. Carlito with a low blow on masters and then a school boy eliminates him! Cena with a quick roll up and Cena gets the pin! Cena wins. 🙁
Vince’s music hits and Vince tells us that this night is not over. Raise the cage. Edge is cashing in his money in the bank!
Edge hits the spear and does NOT get the pin! He is in disbelief! Goes for another spear and… THREE! NEW CHAMPION! THE HOME WRECKER IS CHAMP! I swear I don’t know what is worse… Cena or Edge.